24 going on 60 So, I've been sick this past week with the flu. Still not better, feeling kind of sleepy, and definitely don't have any energy. Typing is proving rather difficult as well. But guess what? I got in to the graduate program at UCLA! I've wanted to go to that school since I was a kid. And now, they have a big nanotech program which would mean lots of research money for me, in the field I like. Of course, now that I have a kid I have to decline and stay in Colorado like a good girl, but at least I can say I got in. I am going to visit, though, because they pay for it, flight, hotel, everything. I want to go out one night because hey, it's LA, and the biggest town near me almost all the time is Denver. Umm... enough said. M has taken care of me and A all week, because I have been bedridden. Now he is at work until 8pm, so I have the whole day to myself while A is with her dad. I did this really funny but rather embarrassing thing with my body the other week, and showed it to M, thinking that I could let him see me like that and it would be okay. I was wrong. He made so many jokes about my body, in reference to this one thing, that I am so ashamed. Of my body and of letting him see me like that. I kept trying to tell him that he needed to stop, but he wouldn't. Not until I got upset. I even told him that saying those things was like a girl telling a guy he has a small penis. You'd think that was a big enough clue as to the hurtfulness factor, but it wasn't. My guess is that he was a little freaked out that I could look like that, no matter how funny it was, and so the jokes had some truth to them. Well, now I am ashamed of my body. I don't want him to see me undressed. I'm too ashamed to tell him how I feel now. He just keeps telling me how to him I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, he loves me, blah blah blah, he's sorry. Whatever. None of that makes the shame go away. Who cares if he says those things? He just says them to make me feel better. He can't really believe them if he says those other things, if he saw me the way that I did. I think shame is one of the worst feelings, or possibly is the worst feeling, in the whole world. |