Stupid? Nah, just lazy. It's been pretty frustrating lately, because whenever I try to add an entry, the server is too busy. Bah. Servers. I hate feeling stupid. I really hate it. I also hate it when my diamond slides in between my fingers when I'm typing. I have to take my ring off. But back to the topic at hand. What made me feel stupid today? There is a fellowship in my department that I applied for last year. I didn't get it. Almost every other person in my research group has applied for it, and they have all gotten it. This makes me feel stupid. I realize that when I started grad school I hadn't had these classes in 8 years, that I was pregnant, that the GRE was all organic shit that I couldn't remember and after all, I didn't study two minutes for the GRE, and that I also took these classes with two other children in tow, and this explains my horrible GRE subject test scores and my B's and A's instead of all A's. I think this is why I most likely didn't get the fellowship. I also hadn't really started my research yet, due to the aforementioned pregnancy, so when I wrote my essay on my research I was a bit clueless, even though my advisor helped me with it. All of those so-called explanations aside, I really feel those are inadequate excuses. Because, the fact remains, if I were smart enough, if my memory and thinking were robust enough, I would have done well on all of the above. I didn't. That leaves with me to believe that ultimately I am a stupid person that, due to a strange fluke, has been able to make it this far in chemistry. Or maybe it isn't a strange fluke at all. Maybe most stupid people realize when they shouldn't be in a certain field, and get out before attempting a PhD. Yes, yes, I know, I'm not really stupid, but I just hardly think that I am super intelligent either. Maybe a bit above average. I just really wish I had gotten that fellowship, and it's a thorn in my side every time people mention it. What also bothers me a great deal is that so many of my failures and inadequate performances haven't been because of lack of intelligence. They have been a lack of work. How is it possible that I could have grown up to be such a major slacker? What does it mean? Does it mean I'm in the wrong field? Does it mean I am afraid of failing due to idiocy, so I fail due to laziness? Is it because I was always able to sail through my classes before, so I have developed poor habits that I've been unable to undo? Or is it because I would rather be browsing the internet, fucking my husband (lately, this is my favorite), drinking coffee, cooking yummy food, eating yummy food, reading, or any of the other many activities that I love so much? If I think over that last one, I wonder, if I had no responsibilities, no children, no job, what would I do with my time? Realistically, would I do all of those things I can never find the time for? I would probably work out and read a ton, because those are things that I have done in the past. I would also eat. Ooh, interruption, have to go immediately. Aside: I'm running x-ray right now, and I wish my fucking sample would behave and give me something that I can interpret, other than I need to make a new sample. Bastard. But, I know I should have run this before I left for Switzerland, and that letting it sit in the dessicator for so long is probably what fucked it up, so I failed, once again, for being lazy. Kill me now. Actually, I think I am getting a halfway good result, which means when I make a fresh sample things should be peachy. So it's not so bad, except now I begin the attempt to motivate myself for the new synthesis. Argh. Shit, what is the point of trying to figure it all out? I've been trying to figure it all out for years now, because I've been trying to be a good student ever since I started college, instead of a slacker student who skates by. I have yet to do what I want to do, and that is to do a thorough job. If I actually put forth more time and effort, I would probably feel really great about myself. I could feel proud. Instead I remain, 13 years later, still wondering and beating myself up. |