Can't we just all get along? I've been having a hard time lately controlling myself. No matter what my emotions are, as an adult I should act the correct way. Well, my emotions have been getting the best of me. There are three people in my life that I have a hard time with. (Well, other than my children, but they're children!) One is my brother-in-law. He is the original Person-I-Have-A-Hard-Time-With. Then came my daughter's father. Then came my mother-in-law. I rarely see my brother-in-law, so that is not an issue, per se. I have pretty good luck keeping my mouth shut with my daughter's father, because it is what is best for my daughter. I try hard. It's not worth saying anything anyway. It only makes the situations worse. Unfortunately, lately I've been having a hard time keeping my mouth shut, so I've been avoiding him. This is pretty successful. I'm sure at some point I will get over my temporary immaturity, and then I will resume communications. Oh wait, hold on, I need to go put the diapers in the dryer... Okay, I'm back. Now we are at the last person on the list, my mother-in-law. She's in town. She comes over, and while she's here I feel her eyes boring into my skull, criticizing me for every misbehavior on the part of my children. Maybe that's not what she's doing, it's just how I feel. Though I do know that she stares at me a lot. When I got home from work the other day, she said, "Oh, don't worry Anneliese, I'm just leaving so I won't be here to drive you crazy." She said it in a half-joking manner. How am I supposed to respond to that? These types of things are about all she says to me. I get very uncomfortable. She told my husband that it makes her have a little smile inside when she pulls my leg and I get a perplexed look on my face. I'm just dumbstruck because I just don't know how to respond to what I perceive as rudeness. I suppose this is too much for me to write here, but I don't want this diary to be totally superficial. I want to be able to vent to a certain extent. Yes, I have an offline journal that is my savior at times, but I also want to be able to get some sort of feedback. I told myself when I started writing in here again that I would respect people's privacy, but I'm not sure I know where to draw the line. Does this mean I don't talk badly about people? I think so. I know it can come back to bite me in the ass. However, is the above info about my MIL too much? I tried to be completely honest and not let my raging fucking emotions about the whole thing show. I've vented mucho to my husband about this. But really, venting isn't going to get me anywhere. I just need to figure out how to behave. How to respond to her in a way that increases goodwill. After all, if we don't get along it only hurts our family and my husband. I suppose I just need to suck it up and be nice, which is totally possible, if I can stop being so overwhelmed by discomfort and bad feelings when she is around! Oh, but I've not been mean, I've just been ignoring her for the most part. I just can't stop these overwhelming feelings, but I need to be able to regain my clear head! This shouldn't be so hard. There must be something else going on within me that I need to figure out. Usually when things like this happen there is an unconscious fear that I need to weasel out of myself. I feel a little bit better now. I have a path to follow, which will most likely take me to my other journal tomorrow while I ride the bus. For some reason, the monitor drives me crazy and I would rather write instead of type. Too many typing errors that must be corrected, I suppose. The monitor seems too bright. I just corrected the brightness, but I'm not sure what my husband will say. Hey, you know what? I bet my fear is linked to her disapproval of how I raise my children, specifically my fear that I am not doing a good job, nay my certain knowledge of my shortcomings as a mother. I try, I do. I just see all the time all the ways I'm a shitty mother. I just don't know how to fix them. My husband took pictures of me the other night while I was wearing a dress he bought me at my favorite boutique in Boulder, Max. Here's one of my favorites. I really hope that the circles under my eyes aren't permanent, and that they will go away when I'm not tired anymore. Hmmm... wonder when that will be? My fertility has been rising lately, and thus so has my arousal. I've been to the bathroom at work twice in the last three days!" Also, please check out this amusing entry by acorn. It was so appropriate considering my husband and I had our very first fight the other day. |