I'm Tired of Coming Up with Titles, so I Won't Today Hi everyone, Do you see that new counter in the upper left hand corner? I got a sitemeter. It was so incredibly easy. I see that almost all of my hits came from puppetgirl, so thanks for that! It's very interesting. I feel like I'm spying. I'm really disappointed right now. The fire alarm went off in my building, so I went outside, completely forgetting that I needed to leave for Pilates. Now it's too late, and I won't be able to go. There's Fusion Yoga at 6:45, but I just don't know about that. I was really looking forward to mat class. Besides, I have a meeting at 7:00 for a new babysitting coop that is forming. It gives me hope that one day, my husband and I will actually be able to go somewhere just the two of us. Shocking, I know. We dream of when we can go on a trip, just us two, for a few days. I want it to be next September, maybe around the 8th. Yes, one year away is a long time, but something so delicious to look forward to. I dream of lovemaking all day, with breaks to eat and bathe and take walks. It's been a few days since we've made love, and I miss it, I yearn for it. Things have been a little stressful because my research is crap and my husband started a new job. Our schedules have been changing a lot. We don't see each other as much. I just don't feel motivated at work at all. I'm not quite sure why that is. Frustration and confusion are some of the feelings I have. I'm frustrated over what I have been doing with the science. I'm confused as to what I should actually be doing with my life right now. I think that I should be home with my kids. I fantasize of all the wonderful things I could be doing if I were at home with them, especially since they are getting older and require less constant physical help. They miss me very much when I'm at work. They really seem to need to have me around. But then I think of my degree. How that is something that my parents and friends can tell other people that is very fucking cool. Yes, she got her PhD in physical chemistry designing a very new kind of solar cell. I can say that it is something that I accomplished. Yes, of course, you can say, "But raising children is so meaningful, so good," but you know darn well that noone says with pride how they have a family full of stay at home moms. Yes, they should, but that is beside the point. I like the feeling of prestige, which is admittedly pure ego. I also like the idea of having a good income with some professional freedom. If I leave here with only my master's I will most likely never have creative freedom in my job. I will also severely limit my potential income. Neither of these appeal to me. I am a very independent person, and I don't like to imagine having a boss over me. My husbanded posited that I could just get my PhD when the kiddos are older; that way I can have my cake and eat it too, you could say. It's an option. Bah. I just think that LA is not a good place at all to raise children. Today I walked down the 3rd St Promenade, rode the bus home, then walked to my apartment from the bus stop, about a block. During this trip I encountered no less than three people talking loudly to themselves. A very soaking wet homeless guy in a very torn up BVD shirt and holey shoes sat near us on the bus. My 2 year old was concerned, because he wasn't wearing socks! She knows you're supposed to wear socks with your tennis shoes. She also noticed that he was wet and that his shoes were broken. I think he had just been to the beach, so at least he was attempting some sort of cleanliness, which I see rarely. I realize that maybe I sound lacking in compassion. I do feel a bit dispassionate about it, I suppose. I just really hate how unpleasant it all is, especially with regards to my children. After all, what do I want my children to be surrounded by? The beauty of nature, the sparkle of a snowdrop on a branch in the sun, the wind blowing through the pine trees, clouds spreading across the sky? Or nasty streets and sidewalks that are completely filthy due to no rain, crazy dirty people, smog, the noise and smell from cars, the black dust in our apartment from living right next to the highway, no real nature, only landscaping, except for when we drive to it? By the time I am done with my degree my children will be 5 up to 11. I suppose that isn't too late, but shouldn't I do my best to give them the best? My ideal would be countryside near a city. I definitely feel that there are really great things about cities. I like being able to walk and take the bus places. I like to be able to find unusual ingredients. I like to have arts of many varieties nearby. Also, my oldest just started her first day of second grade today. The older she gets the more difficult it will be for her to move. I don't want to make her life more difficult! My husband and I are very seriously considering moving to Europe. He is a Swiss citizen, so it's a non-issue for us. However, I have no idea if my daughter's father will be up for that at all, and I fear a negative response. I fear that he won't be able to move there, because of citizenship issues. I just can't handle being without my daughter for any length of time. She was gone for two weeks this summer, and I was a fucking bawling basketcase towards the end. That said, the option of having her during the school year and then her living with her father for three months is out of the question. He would never go for that either. Yes, I made a poor decision when I was younger. Don't worry, my mom already said I told you so. |