Work and Worry and Stress Oh, I am so tired. Right now I am running low angle x-ray diffraction at work. It takes about 7 minutes or so per scan, not including alignment time, so I'm just waiting, thinking about what I need to do when I'm finished here. Last night I lay in bed and so much was running through my head that I felt caught up in a whirlwind. Should I type it all out? Chances are that I wouldn't remember everything I thought, I would spew out a bunch of new stuff. But I get fed up with my typing mistakes and keyboards that have hard to push buttons. I'm very stressed out. I keep getting sick. My son has a cold, his second this month. His little nose was clear for one fucking day. I wonder if maybe it's because I keep drinking coffee, knowing I don't handle it well and thus it's improperly digested in my milk, so then he's sensitive to it. This weakens his immune system, hence the colds appear. Well, I crave coffee. I enjoy it. Every time I have a good cup of espresso, I think, damn, this is so fucking good. I love it. Why can't I have what I love so much? Why is it always deny, deny, deny? I have so much to do at work. I feel like an idiot most of the time because shit is so hard to figure out. Yes, I know, no one ever said that a PhD in physical chemistry in a brand new field (nanotech) was supposed to be easy, but I fuck up basic chemistry shit that I just don't remember, wish I did remember. I'm TAing for a basic organic class next quarter, so let's hope that freshens the brain. I forgot to remove the beam stop. Fuck. Start over, precious minutes wasted. Yes, my precious, they steals it, they steals it! I'm in the middle of reading the Lord of the Rings, and I have to say that I am completely able to put it down. I just stopped reading it for awhile to read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, which I found to be a much more engaging book. The problem with the Lord of the Rings is that there is no character development. All the people are just these pawns moving about. The story is great. The plot is great. But it's the human interactions, the descriptions of conversations and how people look and their expressions that make a book real and engaging, combined with a good story. I should also say, however, that I think that part of the problem is that I have seen the movies. Knowing the ending doesn't help matters, though of course, how else would you expect it to end? The ring isn't destroyed and Sauron becomes lord of all? Yeah right. I'm tired of women giving up the special, unique parts about being a woman by trying to become like men. I don't know that I will ever comprehend women who go back to work when their baby is six weeks old, leaving it in daycare. To be able to do this you must close part of your heart to your child. Why would any woman think this is valuable? Bah. Don't get me started. Why bother having the kid if you aren't willing to do what is best for it, and aren't willing to spend any time with it? Oh yeah, it's because it's "what we do." Fuck that shit. Oldest child's school situation -type out exercise from Steiner's book. Write up essay to give to office to publish in newsletter. -see about getting conference room -consider carpooling to other schools -decide if current school is worth it, considering all the negativity surrounding it -meeting April 29 -silent auction stuff, as in should I volunteer? Should we go? Who should we ask to babysit? How much guilt and apprehension will I feel about yet again asking our very helpful neighbors for more help? -why do I feel so distant from all the other parents there? is it my younger age? Is it my consistent lack of ability in all venues (except written) to be able to express the thoughts in my head? Manage all the work stuff (another huge list in itself) -Fluorimetry, as in redo last slides, do frosted glass slide to check alignment on machine, empty titania, titania with catechol -meet with RA and get thoughts/shit together before this afternoon. Ha! -scrape/weigh old film to determine route to take with BET -research differences in absorbance and xrd -research catechol/titania interface papers -research P3HT oxidation issue -go to library to get those references I can't get online -there are a few other minor things -talk to Brad/Benny about slit size on high angle xrd -get all research finished by the end of next week so I can begin the next hurdle of qualifying exams. Oh lordy, this is the last biggest hurdle. If I make it through this, my degree is almost assured. Housework -go to target to return light bulb, buy correct light bulb, get a few more babyproofing items, buy toilet paper -clean bathrooms and floors -dust -cook healthy food -taxes and student loan and last year's tax return to find, and redo previous two years because I fucked those up and deserve a lot more money -figure out what to do about busted computer -contact dry cleaners and take care of that shit (another story) -there is one more item here, but it's a secret! Husband -worry about doing the right thing by him, taking good care of him -want more dates with him, but worry about leaving the kids so much and bothering babysitters (see above) Body -want to eat healthily and get into shape, because I need toning in a serious way. I'm jealous of ladiebug. -try not to worry about how I may be skinny, but I'm starting to look like a skinny old woman, not a skinny shapely young thing. I see the transition starting to occur, fuck all you people laughing at me, you don't know my body as well as I do. I see the bags under my eyes (just like my mom's), I see the fine lines starting to form, I see the less perky breasts -concentrate on good posture (come on, girl, sit up, okay, okay, if the monitor were at eye level I would) -try to get my milk levels evened out in my breasts, because the right is not as big. Lopsided too? shit. Children -play with them more -lose temper less -work on those things that you know are right to do, such as involving them in household tasks to teach them as well as help them feel part of the family, ah, I don't feel like making out this list Friends -call friend in Colorado, bad, bad Anneliese for not calling her back for so long! -go out to eat with neighbor upstairs, because she seems like one of the very few people who are in a similar place in life, unlike parents at A's school and work colleagues -play cards with upstairs neighbors, because we like them -maintain contact with work friends Money -balance checkbook -pay bills -try not to think about lack of socks and extra low rise thongs and desire for dvd player and nice new computer and dates with my husband -research possibility of investing in real estate in Denver There is also another big issue, but that's also something I can't write about here. Needless to say, it's one more thing taking up lots of brain and heart cells. Well, that's all for now, folks, because my data collection is finished. Looks somewhat promising! Have a good weekend. |