procastinator Soo tired. Didn't get much sleep because I was working on my quantum assignment. I had another assignment due today also in classical mechanics, but didn't do it. I've been sick, so I am so behind. Not that I'm not always behind. I don't ever do my work until the last moment. I don't know why that is. I think I'm scared of my homework. I don't know why. Maybe I'm afraid that I will realize that I am not as smart as I'd like to be. How can that be, though, considering I do as well as I do in my classes with such little effort? I guess I don't really believe that I do all that well in my classes. I remember not getting anything but straight A's until college, then all of a sudden I had to work for them! I've never recovered since. I don't get straight A's either. I think I could though, if I would just do my work. Maybe I don't want straight A's. Maybe I want something else entirely. I want to be in school and get good grades but spend all my energy elsewhere? Seems like that's how I behave. This applies to all my endeavors. I think I've found something that moves and shakes me, but then when it comes time to apply myself I don't do it! I spend my energy elsewhere. I'm not sure what to do about this. Every semester I think that this semester it will be different. This semester I won't put everything off until the last minute, and I will put effort into my classes. I never do though. For instance, right now I'm skipping class. Why? It's not interesting. Sometimes I feel like it is all a waste of time. I like to use my brain, but I guess I haven't found something for which it is worth using my brain. It gets mildly interesting. I suppose I could just make the goal to use my brain. Right now the goal seems to be to get into grad school. Maybe I'm having problems with my goals. Maybe they're not accurate. It's just that studying most of this stuff seems to be a waste of time. No importance in the long term of things. Then again, it seems like really nothing has importance in the long term. I don't mean this in a depressed sort of way, more like in a Buddhist sort of way. In the grand scheme of the universe, nothing really matters about my life. Does it? You know what matters to me? That I don't hurt people. That I'm honest. That I maintain my obligations to people. These are very nice and honorable, but they don't get me a satisfying life! When I die, what are they gonna say? She didn't do a goddammed thing, but she sure was nice. Ugh. Wouldn't it be more important to be at home with my daughter, creating a good home environment for her, instead of the crazy one that now exists? Yes, it is more important, but I'm single, and you can't stay home and build a home if you have to go out and make the money. Shit it cheats her, it cheats me, and I hate it. Even when I was dating Lee and he was supporting me I can't say that I was such a good mother then anyway. I got to stay at home. I just couldn't focus on being a mother. I missed using my brain. I get bored playing with my daughter. I suppose now I know how to do it better, but that doesn't mean I would. I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing I guess. I know what I am working on now, and I'm doing an awful job at it. The only thing I'm happy with right now is M. That is good, because usually I'm not happy with anything! I'm glad my therapist comes back in town on Tuesday. My only concern is that, like everything else, I haven't done the assignment he gave me. I put it off like all the rest. So, if I really want to change, why am I not doing the things that will bring about change? Who knows. My mom, for the first time in 8 years suggested I try God again. She is a devout Christian. I am not. Believe me, I've tried praying. I wanted that feeling that God is always with me, guiding me, helping me, but I never felt anything at all. I felt like I was talking to myself. Besides, I'm not big on the whole Christianity thing. The only thing I come close to believing as my own is anthroposophy. I don't practice any of the exercises though. When I did I noticed a difference, which is more than I can say I've ever experienced with Christianity. Better get going. I'm tired, I need to pee, and I've run out of ramblings. |