Maybe baby I just want everyone to know that the time I post is the most accurate on earth. This is because I work at a joint venture between my school and the National Institute of Standards and Technology, and the clock on my building is linked to the atomic clock that NIST has. So there. Things are going well, but you know I'm hesitant to really think that things are changing. I'm very good at fooling myself. I just got all the dishes done. Oh what a feeling. I just love how it feels when I walk into my kitchen in the morning and I don't have to wash any dishes to eat or cook, and the counters are all wiped clean. Back to the subject at hand. So, I'm in therapy. My therapist is a bodycentered therapist, specifically an Hakomi therapist. It seems like I am for the most part disconnected from my body. I have pretty much no sense of self. My therp didn't tell me this, I've known it a long time. So, he thinks a lot of this is relational. He recommended that I let someone see my pain. Really see it. Not talk about it, but experience it in front of someone. He suggested himself, because that is his job, but I didn't feel comfortable with that. Ultimately the relationship with your therapist is not a complete one. I wasn't comfortable with that. Maybe I will be one day, who knows. Anyway, I thought maybe I could do this with M. I've cried with him before about more minor things, and he is so caring, and he never criticizes my feelings or how I look when sharing them. He always tells me I'm beautiful. Over and over again. Shit, hotmail is down. What else is new. Wanna read my e-mail, dammit. I got really sick recently. Strep, which ended up in my ear, which resulted in my eardrum bursting, leaving me temporarily deaf. When I get sick I cry. And cry some more. I feel very strongly that when I get sick my body is breaking down so that I can build something stronger, so that I can change dramatically. Sickness is not about germs in my book. Not one bit. They are just the symptom. So, some things happened when I was sick. I opened things up with M. I cried. I cried that soul pain cry, when I'm not thinking anything, but just feeling extraordinary pain and sadness. I don't know where this comes from. So I went to see my therapist, and he seems really positive about these occurances. It seems like I am getting a feel for who I am, letting it out. You get this feeling from your body. If you are present in your body you can get the feeling of you, sans personality, sans everything but your inner core self. I've been able to be present when I'm with M during sex. I've let myself show through. I've looked him in the eyes, witholding nothing. I've let him see me. I've never done this with anyone all the way. Maybe I've let bits and pieces through, but that's it. So, my therp says he wants to give me this book he has that has exercises in it that will help me continue getting into my body using tantra, or sexual practices, since that is what seems to be working at the moment. I say okay, he gives me the book; and it is The Intimate Couple. The book is mostly giving assistance with helping a monogamous couple have an outstanding sex life. But there is so much more. I highly recommend this book, even if you are single. Just ignore the couple parts. They barely take up half the book. I've started some of the beginning exercises, and they have been enlightening. Well, I decided to try out the suggestions. They worked. It was lovely. I was lovely. I thought about M's excitement when he looks at me, tastes me, feels me. I thought about how good it feels when he touches me in certain ways. How it makes me feel when he smiles. I love that smile. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked in my eyes. I was scared to do so. I was scared to really see me! I did it though. I did with myself that which I had done with M. I didn't criticize, and it wasn't as if I wanted to but didn't let myself. I noticed how I like my jaw line. I liked the way I looked. I didn't force myself to do it some way that I thought I should do it. I did what felt good. I came. Another thing. I don't think this is all M. I think this is me. I want this change. I want to feel good. I think maybe I'm starting to let myself. I'm starting to let myself care about myself. It's not bad to love myself, in other words. I want to start to take care of myself. I don't want to self-sabotage anymore. I want change. I'm scared though. I don't want to get my hopes up. I want to make sure it's for real. I want to let myself take care of me. Do what I know is right. Listen to that voice inside of me that tells me what I need. |