The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. Well, here goes another entry that will be read by maybe 1 person. Yeah! So, my dad sends me $200 each month. He said this month that he was going to also send me $100 to buy my daughter's Christmas present. I spent $62 on gymnastics for her, and because I don't have any food I was going to spend the rest (on food). I've been very broke this month because I've had to pay to apply to grad school. Yikes. There have been other things I've had to pay for as well, that are unusual. What would that be? Well, I bought my daughter a Christmas present. One! Shame on me. We could have food now if I hadn't done that. Maybe I could sell something to get some cash. I could go to the thrift store and sell some clothes. Guess I'll do that soon, because folks I am broke. Completely. M loaned me $200 to keep me in business until my check got here from my dad. So, I spent that and also spent a little bit more, thinking there would be $300 this month. Well, I got the check today, and guess what? No money inside for my daughter. That means that I can't pay M back unless I want to watch the checks bounce. Nope, can't afford the fees for one thing. I can give him $75 and still have $15 for food. Shit this sucks. He doesn't have any money either. It was supposed to be a few day loan, and now it looks like it will be a loan for longer than that. I feel like all I do is bitch bitch bitch on this diary. I've been in a rotten mood lately. I don't really know why. I know that I'm stressed because it's the end of the semester, because I'm in the process of applying to graduate school, because there is a lot of internal change. My therp was pretty happy with our session last week. It's just so hard. I have so much to work through. I'm scared I can't do it. I'm scared that I'll find out that I'm really not as good as I would like to believe. I'm scared to find out how I really am. I masturbated last week, and it was special. I was seeing myself without being critical. But maybe I'm just fooling myself. After all, I'm no supermodel. I just don't know. I've wanted to be alone lately, and I'm starting to realize that M may not be so good at leaving me be. I don't want anyone to solve my problems. I am independent. I just wanted to lie down for a few minutes today, and he just wouldn't get off me. He kept kissing me and hugging me and rubbing his nose on me, and it was driving me nuts! I just wanted to be alone! My therp said that as I develop my sense of self more fully (he says that it's almost like I'm functioning on 1/3 of myself), it's natural to want to be alone. I am discovering. He says that M wants to merge with me, and right now that is not what I need. I need to be able to gain this sense of myself, independently. I just don't know how to say this to M. I don't want to lose him or hurt his feelings. He does so much for me. He's helped me a lot. But I just NEED SOME SPACE! I'm just going crazy right now. Just crazy. I just wish I could be alone alone alone. But I can't. I have a million other responsibilities. I have school, I have a kid, I have a job. I like my job though, even if realigning an femtosecond laser can be tedious. It's exciting nonetheless. I like a lot of things in my life actually. I'm just so tired. I've been sleeping 10 hours a night, and I could still go for a nap. I've been eating whatever I want. I am sensitive to dairy and wheat. So I've eaten a bunch of ice cream, cookies, scones, brownies, whatever, in the last week. I don't care. I'm tired of worrying about what I eat all the time. I'm tired of watching every single part of my life and seeing all the flaws. I just want to be alone (away from my critiquing parts) to live my life. I'm doing what I can, goddammit. I'm just sick and tired of hoping that people think I've got it all together, of hoping that I can get it together, of trying to get it together. I haven't been together since I was 15 years old! My life fell apart then, I don't know why, but it did, and so now I just want to do what my therp suggests. That is all I'm trying to do. Nothing else. My house is a disaster. Who gives a fuck? What else is new? I have finals next week that I'm unprepared for. What else is new? So why worry? I'm done worrying. I want to do well. I probably always will. That's the way it is. But I just have to quit getting so upset when time after time I fail. It doesn't help one bit. If I fail, I fail. Nothing new. So just do what I want (because I know that I do have a limit to my slacking) and don't worry. I can't really do that. I know I worry, even if it's in the back of my mind. So I just get angry. I just get cranky. I just want to be alone. I just want to sleep. I just get depressed. I just want to go sit in coffee shops and drink cappuccino and eat biscotti and write in my journal and read the Colorado Daily and the Westword. I just want to take care of me, and not worry about all this other shit. All these other obligations. Just do what strikes me in the moment. Ahh.. the kid is out of bed. She didn't actually sleep, but that's okay. I still got a break and I get to put her to bed extra early! Yeah for getting rid of the kid!
Does that suck or what? It's the way I feel, though, I will not edit! I will not feel guilty! I'm tired of it. See you later alligators. |