It's a draw. Hey there everyone, Just dragged my butt out of bed and had some food for the first time in two days. Was starting to feel a bit weak, and since I can't stay in bed all day today like I did yesterday, I'd better eat. I was hit with a bad bout of depression yesterday, and I got to fully "enjoy" it because my daughter is with her dad for Christmas fun. I'm in Texas right now visiting the fam. My mom just let me be, thankfully. It's been a hellacious few days. It all started Tuesday night/Wednesday morning when I got a call from L, M's mother. She said that M had slit his wrists trying to commit suicide. I'm not sure I want to go into all the gory details of the next day, but suffice it to say that he did not attempt suicide or cut his wrists. He did, however, self-injure. He cut his forearm on the top where the hair is, and he cut his chest. He cut deep in his chest, far on his arm. Over 20 stitches overall. I can't say what this has done to me. I can't say that I am dealing with it at all. Depressed. I thought he was leaving me. I thought this until maybe 6 at night Wednesday, because I had no other idea of what was going on. I feel like I don't matter. Like I have no bearing on his life at all. I feel like all the things I felt were only on my side of things. Even though he insists that is not the case. I feel like I shouldn't bother with the relationship because the relationship isn't bothering with me. I feel selfish for getting so fucking depressed and upset, when obviously he has a problem and needs help. I just know I can't help. I am pointless. Like I said, I have no bearing. So why try to be strong. Why try to be there for him. He doesn't need me. I don't help him. I just want to stay in bed again today. I can't though, given it's Christmas and my kid will be back today and my nieces and sister and bro-in-law got in town late last night from Ireland. On another front, I got an e-mail from Sabin yesterday, of all people. He didn't write me in so long I figured he didn't care about his videos and so I threw them away. Now he gave me the address to mail them to him. Great. I have to write back and tell him that I threw his things away. I hope he doesn't get too pissed off. I'm surprised he wrote to me. I quit seeing Sabin when I became serious with M. We had such intimacy it felt like a mockery to be with anyone else, no matter how superficial it was. I wonder if we can get back that intimacy. My trust seems to have flown out the window. My willingness to tell all and share all and be all with M seems to have taken a holiday. It was so perfect. Of course something had to come along to blow it. I wish I could just convey how bad I feel. Yesterday I got out of bed only to go to the airport to get my sister. I just can't handle it, so I crawl into bed. Sleep, and don't think. Just lay there. Because I feel so bad and I don't exactly know why and I hurt so much. Because I don't know what to do with these feelings. He cut himself. Can you grasp that? He took a knife to his body and cut. Repeatedly. It would clot, then he would reopen it. Cut again and again. Then he was on a locked psych ward. He wouldn't communicate. He denied it. I was alone. I couldn't connect with him. I thought he was going to die. I thought he wanted to die, that he wanted to leave me. I didn't understand how, if our relationship was so good, that he would want to leave me. That he wouldn't communicate with me. He wouldn't tell me what was going on, and he refused to sign a release so the hospital would tell us what was going on. Isn't it obvious I'm not as important in his life as I thought I was? I feel like a fool. I feel like I must withdraw. |