Love and Hate I've been thinking. Life is hard. So much of my life I've been thinking that I just want it to get easier; I just don't think it should be this way. I've learned, though, that it is this way. It is not easy. It's not supposed to be. How could it be? It's just hard, that's all there is to it. I used to get so upset at all the heinous, terrible things out there. Sexual slavery (slavery of any kind), rape, torture, disregard of any sort for other people and animals. I still get upset. But I would think how could I possibly be happy in such a shitty, fucked up world? In a world full of liars and cowards and snobs and idiots. Well, it's gotten to the point now where if I am going to stick around (which I'm going to do, after years of suicide contemplation, and some times of more than just contemplation), I just have to find those things that make it worthwhile. Good music. Intimacy is big one. Really feeling close and together with someone. Beauty. I'm not very good at concentrating on the good yet, but it's all that's left. I hope also that when I'm older, out of school and my kiddos are older, too; that I'll volunteer something to make it better. Not that I hold any superfluous hopes that anything will actually improve. People are just as shitty now as they ever were, we just don't see so much of it in our little cocoons. I do see it, though, in the way my neighbors have avoided me. In their fear of communication. In their lack of trust in our friendship. I see it when my friends or family tell me stories of how people have treated them. I experienced it with many boyfriends. My friend experiences it when guys feel her up while she is asleep. The world is crappy, that's all there is to it. I just can't get over it sometimes. Oh my gosh, why bother living in such an obvious hellhole? For one reason or another, I'm here, so I might as well make the best of it. Ween helps. Morcheeba. "Lady in Red" by Simply Red. I'm hopeless for love songs, give me a break. |