Stressing the dysfunction So now I'm feeling depressed. Not sure why. Some things on my mind: 1. I miss M. There is still that block, but there is still that ache for him as well. We haven't talked in days, because when I call he's not home, and then when he is home, I'm not at a phone. I'm considering waking up at 1am to call him at 9am his time. I know he'll be there then. 2. My life never goes as I plan it. I'm not sure that's a bad thing, but it is consternating. There are people out there who plan or think that things will go a certain way, they set those goals, but my life as not gone that way at all. Not in the slightest. I view this as indicative of how little I must truly know myself. Apparently my inner self has plans for me of which I am unaware. Either that or I am swayed by life's circumstances with little will power for no reason other than my own weakness. I lean more toward the former than the latter, however, due to certain patterns. 3. M's sisters came by to drop off some blueprints I'm taking to Italy, and also to pick up a glass table top that M found for his dad. My energy shot way up; I was nervous as hell, but was unconscious of it until later. I can't relax around them. I have no idea what kind of thoughts their evil mother put into their head. She lies about me. She's lied to me. She hates me. She wants me out of M's life. I don't know how to feel about this. I don't like it, but what if she's right? What if I'm not good for M? I know, I know, it's not her decision, but that's not my concern. There are certainly things about me that are good cause for concern. My having a child at such a young age. My vast amount of drug and sex and other shady experiences of which her son is innocent. Those things are past. They don't concern me so much as how little I seem to know what is really going on within myself. My repeating of patterns. My lack of an uncluttered house and good (non)spending habits. I just can't get over how many men I've dated, and didn't realize while I was in the relationship how WRONG the guy was. K in particular. I can't get over it. It is all so glaringly obvious. I refused to see it, because I thought it was such an improvement over the last guy. I wanted a family and intimacy so much that I just blinded myself. I never want to do that again. I like to think I won't now, but how can I say that? C was a mistake. R was a mistake. K was a mistake. They represent years of my life illspent. I've hidden from the truth unconsciously so many times that I don't trust myself not to do the same again. I don't trust myself to decide correctly either way. I worry that despite my deep love for M that we aren't right. No matter how right I feel he is. Always they weren't right because of their abhorrent behavior, and M doesn't fall into that category. But maybe M isn't right because of simple incompatibility, inherent in our innermost selves. I have no fucking idea. I've gotten to the point now though where I don't really feel there are any incorrect decisions, insofar as I try to make the correct ones and I don't attempt to hurt anyone. I do miss M. I want him to hug me RIGHT NOW. I've got to get in the shower. I'm meeting my friend for dinner. I think we'll go to Jax so I can get yummy Caesar salad. Gosh, that was so negative. Hmm.. I miss my friend Acorn. |