Do I have the right to defend myself against dishonesty? Yes, I believe I do, even if I'm ultimately bad. The problem with writing and recording everything here is that I relive it when I do, and it is exceedingly painful. I have a wound inside. For a long time it was freshly bleeding. Now it is lightly covered over. When I relive these past experiences, the pain is fresh again. So I procrastinate doing it. I don't want to feel the pain. But I sound ridiculous, typing what I have, having based it on nothing. Sounding ridiculous, though, is something I frequently think about myself, whether listening to recordings or reading what I've written or remembering something I said in a conversation. I can't let those observations stop me, because those observations are never going to go away. And I want to have my say, damn it. Even if it is ridiculous. Linalisa recently posted an article on Facebook that discussed not shunning people. But she and her family have shunned me. I suppose she would say it was the kids' choice to do so. And she wouldn't be wrong; they did say they don't want any contact with me. It is really hard to say it. Of course there must be something deeply wrong with me that my children have chosen this action. I agree that there is much wrong with me. What I don't agree with is what they've said about me. If you're going to condemn me, condemn me with the truth about me. Don't condemn me by lying about me. It's not fair. And it hurts me a lot. Now people look with suspicion upon things that I was actually proud of, like the food I fed my children, because of comments from Mike and Lisetta. It really, really hurts. I'm sure they have a completely different perspective. But my diary here is not the place where I will be overly concerned with trying to figure out what they're thinking. I don't expect to change any minds anyway. It's just, Lisetta and Andreas are gone. I can't seem to change that. But can I not at least defend myself against dishonesty? Even if no one believes me, I still must answer with yes, I can defend myself. I want to. I'll try. But I always struggle with a lack of motivation. I would say it is my worst problem in terms of productivity. I also struggle with the above mentioned painful feelings when I think of these topics. One thing I really need to do is figure out how much space diaryland gives for images. I read and read and couldn't find out more than just that super gold gets more. I want to be able to upload quite a bit of images, but I don't want to pay for super gold if it isn't a lot of space. I do see a new update from Andrew. Maybe there will be new information I can check out when I am done writing this entry. |