Everybody Has an Issue It's been a long time. I've been very busy and very tired. A lot has been on my mind. I've needed free reign with my thoughts, so I've been writing in my paper journal. I was a little scared at first, because I fear that people will read them one day. I decided that the carthasis I experience was worth the risk. I love my journal. There is no judgment. My thoughts are what they are, laid out bare. I love my new iMac. There are just so many things I can do. In general, there are so many things that I want to do. There is just no time for it all! People at work talk about being bored, having no life and nothing to do, and I just wonder at them. The only way I can understand that is if you see a lot to do, but none of it is appealing. I've had times where everything just seems to be a waste of time. Apathy. I am in a people hating phase right now. Not anyone in particular, just the human race, but not my husband or my kids. They are great! I went to the W for drinks with some friends and my husband. When I was in the bathroom this girl stole my bright red lipstick. I didn't really believe it until after she had left, but there was no one else who could have taken it. Why would someone do that? I keep playing all these different scenarios in my head of what I could have done. Instead I am just left without my lipstick. I make myself feel better by imagining that she hated me for being so beautiful, and taking my lipstick was her pitiful way of getting back at me. Ha! Funny thought coming from someone who is feeling so damned unattractive lately. Does anyone know, if you are extremely beautiful, does every single guy who walks by you look? Or are there times when people just don't notice you? Mostly I would feel better if I were in shape, and if these terrible oral exams were over. I crave so much sweets lately. Pastries. I've been overeating. I just can't seem to stop. I couldn't believe it when I got on the scale this morning and it was only 124. I would have thought 128 would be more like it. I'm not sure what I would consider to be a good weight for me. 125 is nice, if I'm in shape. I also like 118, which is what I was in high school. I just like a bit more curves, more womanly. I don't like stick figures. Who wants to cuddle up to some bones? I'm in love with one of my students. She is smart and has such a nice body. She is so unassuming though, so natural in herself. Her face isn't my ideal, but I just really like this girl. I wish I could not worry about these things, about aging and perfection and what people think about my body and on and on and on. It's so superficial. I don't judge others by this standard. When did I get like this? I got like this when I started getting attention, I think. When I felt that I looked good. It was when I was living in Colorado, doing Pilates all week, and I was young and beautiful. That was the best I will ever look! And it's gone! Why can't I just tell myself that it is so superficial and not important in the grand scheme of things, and work on being all the things I would like to be? Why can't I believe that? |