I Love Me A Soapbox Today I am doing fluorimetry, another experiment that involves sitting around waiting for less than 10 minutes a scan. Lately I've been feeling very disenchanted and irritated with the people around me. I feel disappointed. Even though I think my reasons are valid, I must say that this is most certainly just a projection of how I feel about myself. As acornotravez says in my notes, it sounds as if I'm trying to achieve perfection. Yes, I am a perfectionist. In all ways. I am anal as all hell. It frustrates me to no end to know that no matter how hard I try I will never be perfect. I want to be perfect! I make mistakes in the lab. I sometimes think stupid things about science that are completely inaccurate that I kick myself over later. I am unsatisfied with parts of my body that I deem imperfect that I can't change. I do stupid things in social situations. I make mistakes in my relationships with other people. I have habits and tendencies that I hate, and struggle to overcome, but I find it very challenging. The things that drive me crazy about myself are those things that drive me crazy about my mother and my daughter. For instance, I run into people. I seem to be such a brute and a clutz. My mom is also this way. When I try to be otherwise, people get confused, and we kind of do a little dance to avoid each other, or I am just in their way. I wish I could change this. I am working on it. My husband is always getting bumped by me. However, I always attempt to stay to the right in halls and such. I wish other people would do the same so we could easily avoid each other. Another example involves eating. Some people take 15 minutes to drink a tea or milkshake or what have you. I take 30 seconds. It seems just to go down so fast. I wish I could do it slower, but my genes seem to take over and whoop, there it went! Some people have one or two scoops of ice cream, but I like lots and lots. Especially when pregnant. I don't know how to slow it down. I have to be very conscious of the whole thing. It makes me feel like a brute (again) and so lacking in femininity, class, and dignity. I also cuss. I restrain myself, because how classy is a sailor mouth? Women are more attractive when classy yet sexual. That's what I want to be. But fuck fuck fuck. Fuck and shit some more. Oh, you asshole. What a fucking loser. You see what I mean? You know, though, I like to cuss. That's why I haven't completely stopped. I think part of it is because ewww, I don't want to be a prude. I'm no prude! Well, my fluorimetry is done. I'm happy with it. See, I had been asking senior students questions about different ways of running my scans, and as usual I was unsure of their answers. So, I went to the manual that I found today, and wow, there is a wealth of helpful info in there. I'm very pleased. Some people don't like reading to learn things. They think that it's better to talk to other people with experience, just like our mothers learned parenting from other mothers and their mothers. Well, I have NEVER found that to be as good as reading a bunch of books or even one book (such as a manual). Long live reading! Okay, so maybe one exception is when you are learning a handcraft, because it's hard to show what to do when you are in 2-D. That said, however, I learned how to knit from books, and I also know far more about knitting than most people I know who just learned from their mothers. So there. My fuck you, I hate everything, cynical, negative personality is in full force. I'm trying not to spew my vitriol on everyone around me. Oh, my poor husband. He got to listen to me bitch about how so many women stick with losers for far too long. They complain about all the shitty things about guys, then stick with them while being treated like shit. Well, maybe, just maybe, if women would stop putting up with shitty behavior, then shitty men would be lonely, and they would do something about it! But no, the woman sees shitty behavior, and what does she do? Calls her friends. Bitch bitch boyfriend sucks, bitch bitch, wah. Then, makes up with shitty boyfriend because he happens to say what she wants to hear. Wait awhile, he does something shitty again, but does she think, gosh, this guy is not giving me what I need in a relationship, I need to find another fish, no, what does she do? Calls her friends. Bitch, bitch, bitch, boyfriend treats me badly, bitch some more. Go back to boyfriend. Rinse and repeat until the boyfriend is so fed up he leaves her! Or she is so fed up she handles the break up like an immature idiot. Let me tell you, if I were single and a guy pissed me off, I'd say, see ya! You didn't eat my pussy good enough, you didn't try to give me an orgasm, you didn't have good enough hygiene, you lied to me, you took my money, you called me names, whatever. Women just get this ideal in their heads about a guy. They see his potential, and they have the relationship with the potential, not the reality. When the reality pokes it's head in they call their friends, but stay in denial about how the guy really is. Wake up to reality and dump the loser! You'll be better off without him. Man, if all women insisted that guys pay PRIMARY attention to their women's sexual needs sex would be a lot better. Then guys in their 30's like Doogie (ionme's ex) would be pariahs. As it should be. Getting off my soapbox now, and going to eat some lunch while compiling data. Bye! |